Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
