Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
