____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it's like iHOP with fire
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
