Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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