So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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