oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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