I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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