i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
