and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
