Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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