I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
