It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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