honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
50% drunk capacity currently
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
