Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
