Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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