oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
