The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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