i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
