I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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