i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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