Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize