I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
