Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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