It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
