I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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