I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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