Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
