there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
