Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
