Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
