im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
