We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
