shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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