My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
