I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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