I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
