You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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