what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
