I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
