i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
