I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
