I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
