Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
