At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
