woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
