It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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