I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My brain says no but my pants say off.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
