Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
