i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
