Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
