i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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