Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
