First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
