Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
