Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
