just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
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he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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